He knocked at the door on a Tuesday. She opened it and there he was. For a moment their eyes met but both turned away fast. She was distressed and his face unreadable. Shameful? Embarrassed? Melancholic? She let him in silence without meeting his eyes and walked by him into her living room. She placed herself by the window and stared out in the rain that enveloped all the world in mist.
How curious, she thought. I used to like rain.
"You never told me" he said from somewhere behind her with an unsteady voice that hit her like a caress, even now, this close to the end.
"It wasn't easy" she breathed to the window, watching the glass dim from her breath. She didn't know if he heard her.
"I asked you so many times without you ever answering. It became silly in the end, all these questions."
"I know" She closed her eyes, as if in pain, and let her head rest against the glass. It is cold and mist pulsated on the glass by her lips.
"What-" he said, his voice wavering but he ceased talking, not knowing how to continue. Maybe because he already knew the answer and he didn't want to hear it from her. Instead he waited for her to speak.
She didn't speak. She let the rain fall by her brow, cold but gentle, and breathed light breaths of shadows, dancing over her reflection. Her fingers touched the glass carefully. It was hard under her hands, chilling her. She should probably have thought it unpleasant, but if she concentrated on that, she could almost forget that her chest hurt in a rhythmic beating.
"Why didn't you ever talk to me?" He tried instead with a voice he tried to control. He has moved closer, she could hear it.
That made her react.
"What would you have wanted me to say?" she asked and straightened her back. She stared through the window unblinkingly, "What was I to say? Tell me!"
Behind her, she could hear him inhaling a deep breath and suddenly his voice had become small again, "You could have told me why-"
She turned around to face him. Surprised she saw him standing only a metre from her. Meeting his eyes, her eyes thundered, "I could have told you, right! As if it's that easy. As if I could just say 'Hey doll, remember me, we have met. A thousand years ago. We had an affair.' just because I happened to love you. Darling-" the loving word came out as an insult in her mouth and he gasped again, staring at her feet, "- I think you forget something. You betrayed. You betrayed me and our ideals I thought we shared. You betrayed Him."
She could see Endymion's face as he told them about his guardians' betrayal; it burned her sight. She didn't even like him back then. Now, she saw it as her duty to protect him, almost as strong as her urge to protect Usagi. He would be her king one day.
Kunzite didn't look at her and therefore she lifted his head up with her hand, forcing him to look at her. He had no time and maybe he couldn't hide his despair. She still had no mercy.
"I loved you, you know. More than the sun and all the bright stars. You shone brighter. Like the trees sang for me, like my heart pounded loud enough to diminish the world. I used to listen to your breath while you slept. I dreamt of dancing with you, in the open, where everyone could see. And then you crushed it all, Kunzite, all I ever dreamed."
She cried then, openly for him too see, not for the first time, but like every time before each tear was another stabb in his back. Neither was it the first time she called him Kunzite, but it was the first time in a lifetime that he recognised it's meaning. It was the first time she had told him that she loved him in a thousand years. But he wondered why it sounded more like a curse than a blessing.
Maybe it was a curse. He didn't know.
Trying, but failing, he had to try a second time before he could get the words out, "I just thought you were beautiful. Your laughter breathed life. Could I have chosen not to speak to you that day? Could I really?"
As always he said the right things; he had always been very good with words. Always that exact word that cut her like knives. She, on the other hand, always talked to much in her struggle to find them.
The smile that grazed her lips disappeared when he met it with his own. His smile disappeared when hers did. Unconsciously, she reached out for him, but when his hand reached for hers, she let it drop again. He closed his eyes then.
Things would never be okay. They both knew that.
Looking away as he reopened his eyes again his sight caught on the wall, where her sword hung like a decoration besides her white dress. A far too simple thing; a collision she never mentioned.
"I guess I'll try to avoid you. It seems like the most simple solution. If you wish it, I could-"
"No. Absolutely not! We have to work together, you are the Prince's head General! You have to try. And start sleeping, I can see how you've gotten dark circles under your eyes."
Golden hair spilled over her healthy glowing body, he felt like a spirit still. Would she be as cold to touch as he looked, he dared not try. In this rain, everything faded to nothing. He became a paper figure, easy to tear the edges away. He was expressionless since he had forgotten how to control his face. No answer was given from him; she couldn't think of any.
"Your future is yours and you belong to him. You have no choice in this, neither one of us has. This is just what you have to do. It's like - like... whatever, you know what it is. Your prince trusts you."
"I know," he said. "That I could never forget."
And the rain drizzled against the window, the cold like a caress.
She swallowed and stared at his shoes. At the floor tiles.
"I'll go now."
She only nodded and turned to the window again. But she heard no sound of him leaving.
"You love me," he said behind her, with a voice that broke with a heavy breath. She could hear the struggle in his voice to say the words; she could almost taste his fear. She wished he wouldn't have said it.
"Yes," she said and it was the truth, but it would be her only, "One day you will have repaid your guilt and repaired what you broke. Then you will no longer be a threat to me. You will be what you always should have been. We will shine."
Lies, all lies. He should never have said that.
But what was said could not be taken back. They can never go back; never had that freedom.
Steady breaths escaped her and a sniffle. Again she rested her brow against the glass, closing her eyes hard enough to make it hurt, "I can't escape you."
So she told lies to give him hope, something to strive for. He needed to think that he could fix everything. She needed him to strive.
They fell in silence again. Both of them tried to control their breathing. Against her skin, by her neck, she felt his hand as it touched her hair.
"I love you" he said and it was an ending.
She nodded against the trees and sky and street. Didn't want to turn around. Didn't want to see the pain rip him apart.
Out through the door she heard him walk, heard the door slam. A loud bang told her that he was resting his back against the door. She could hear him hitting the wall, and then walking down the stairs and away from her. Irrationally, she hoped that he hadn't broke his hand. She could picture it as clear as anything: the blood on his knuckles dripping down on the floor, the stain on the wall, the expression on this face.
It wasn't enough to lean her head against the window anymore.
She walked out on her balcony, barefoot in the rain and climbed the wall up to her roof. Wet, her dress clung to her body and her hair no longer tidy. On the roof where no one could find her, she sat for hours. The rain poured, gave her goosebumps and chilling her until she shook with the force.
Wash me away, she thought and turned her closed eyes to the sky, wash me away and everything I am and everything I once was.
Tomorrow is a new day.
She opened her eyes and they were glimmering golden.